Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
You Might Also Like
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
me as a parent
lmfao