Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
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Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles