“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
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Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
(Jupiter –
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
some things should go without saying
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
#oldknees
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.