I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
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Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
You have been warned.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*