Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
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No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”