I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
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Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Every. Damn. Time.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
my astrological sign is a french fry
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably