Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
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Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
My dog learned how to text
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.