Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
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The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started