What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
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[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well