Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
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relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I know this now 😂
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”