Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
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The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now