Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
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When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.