Found my door mat
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Netflix and scream at our children?!
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
August 8
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Yup.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”