Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
You Might Also Like
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
🍛
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?