Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
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A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
just witnessed a drug deal
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!