If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
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Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
#Thanos #MondayMood
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.