I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
You Might Also Like
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going