WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
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frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
When they try to steal your moment.
“you recording!?”
Breaking news:
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.