*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
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The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.