Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
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i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket