Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
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My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?