Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
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therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
much to think about
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
good morning
Happy Taco Tuesday
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant