*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
You Might Also Like
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
2023 was just a warmup
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.