My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
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[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.