Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
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I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks