Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
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taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.