I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
All food is good if you spell it wrong
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target