My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
technically true but not a great slogan
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.