Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
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A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall