The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
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I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ