I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
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Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?