*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
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Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER