Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
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I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.