Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
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Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games