[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
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My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution