Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
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When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.