doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
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You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
How your email finds me
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.