Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
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I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*