In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
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What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Easy enough.
Writing, She Murdered.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”