Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
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Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
God has left this place
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Perfect.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.