[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
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if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%