Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
You Might Also Like
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.