I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
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Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?