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I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Bike for sale
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet