Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
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Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Merry Christmas
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird