You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
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Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”