putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
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I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Who did it better?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
the icebreaker