I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
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Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja