Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
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*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
At least he brought enough for everyone
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent