The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
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[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
respect
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.